WHY do I do this to myself? I just want to die right now. Cut and die. But I won't because I love my boyfriend more than anything and I know that would kill him.
So let me explain... I had a binge at work today- I swear the environment triggers me so bad. I'm sitting there, watching all the thin girls walk past and all I can think about is food. I fucking went to the grocery store for my soy milk/splenda/gum and fucking returned with a chocolate, banana, blueberries, rice crackers, dip AND an egg salad sandwich... WTF is that? SERIOUSLY? At one point I was about to drop the food items and run out, but my willpower is so fucking weak I gave in. I don't have TIME to be eating so fucking badly. I have limited time and the more I gain the more I have to lose. FUCKING STOP IT WOMAN! STOP IT RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!!!!!!! Sorry for the swearing guys but I am just at my wits end. How the hell can I make this stop? Anyway the bingeing didn't stop there. For some fucked up reason I decided to try on my skinny jeans (sz 6) when I got home. Which USED to fit perfectly well. Now I can't even do them up! I was about to cry. But no, instead of crying I decided to punish myself more. I got home and started eating dinner (vegies/meat/rice smothered with cheese.. DISGUSTING), chocolate pie and cereal. I want to fucking die. I feel so physically ill I can't even exercise. Not to mention I have literally no gag reflex and I can't even throw up the 283795287923879 calories I injested today. I could drink a litre of poison and not be able to throw it up. It's a curse! I don't have time for this. I have 3 months before my boyfriend sees me naked again. And if I have 1cm of fat on me I will not do it, and I can't lose him!!!!!!!
I've been wanting to do a fast for awhile, but have never been able to last more than 2 days. Well fuck it. I'm doing it because if I touch 1 teeny bit of food, I go fucking crazy, so therefore I will not touch any food. I was watching the lady who did a 40 day water fast on youtube and I freaking wish I could get that far. I need some support. Please? Anyone out there?! So tomorrow, I'm fasting. Water, water, water and diet pills. Maybe laxies but they make me feel like shit. I have 3 months to lose 14kg. I have to do it! I will get my fat arse on the treadmill tomorrow after work. Then everyday after that I will exercise for 1 hour in the morning and 1hr in the evening. I just hate food so much. I HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT! I wish it didn't exist. I wish everyone had the body they wished for automatically just by asking whoever the fuck is up there. I'm fat right now but I CAN'T get fatter. If I reach over 70kg I will never leave the house and become a fat, obese social recluse. I have to get to the 50's. I did it once, I can do it again.
When everything goes wrong
6 days ago
The hardest part is getting yourself into the habit of restricting calories. When I've been slacking I sit down and write myself a set of new rules I have to stick by. It helps me tremendously. I also weigh and measure all my food to count calories (but i don't work, so that might be hard for you.) Also don't deny yourself little things, because that will just build up until you break and binge. Once you get your binges down to just little luxuries (like a bag of m&ms) it's soooo much easier to cut them out completely. Don't try to fast right after a binge, it's wayy to hard. And don't forget to drink a TON of water!! Also f you put a little apple cider vinegar in your water it helps your metabolism, suppresses your appetite, and helps you retain less water. Putting lemon in your water helps too. I hope this helps!
ReplyDeleteHi huni thanks for ur post. I used to be able to restrict so well, but I guess I gave up when the scale stopped moving. Thanks for ur tips. I have a little calorie counting boom i take with me to work. I'm just gonna cut out meal by meal until I feel strong enough to do a fast. Sorry about that post lol I was so angry at myself :(
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