Changing Habits

Today I woke up feeling pretty hopeful that I could go through the day with not much food. I've started taking some diet pills again which seem to suppress my appetite pretty well. I ended up bingeing for breakfast but not as bad as usual. I had some chocolate-flavored cereal and non-fat skim milk so the total calories was probably around 450. I'm going to purchase some non-fat soy milk, sugarfree gum and splenda pills today at the grocery store on my lunch break.

Usually at work I get really bored, which leads to me buying a lot of shit food and bingeing and trying to purge. But I really don't want to go down that path, especially since my therapist told me a client of hers died at 25 from bullimia from a heart attack, and it fucked up her insides quite badly. I'm sick of wasting my money on food and then just regretting it 5 seconds later so I'm only allowing my money to be spent on diet-type things and fruit from now on.

Anyway seeing as I've nearly used up all my calories for the day I'm going to really try to not eat anything else. If I'm dying and I absolutely have to, I will eat a carrot which I have here at work. I've been drinking a fair amount of water to suppress my appetite, plus I think these diet pills are really helping.

When I get home I will hit the treadmill for aslong as I can, then shower, watch tv and paint my nails to distract myself then go to bed extremely early or talk to my boyfriend all night. I hate coming home with the house smelling of food. ARGH! But today luckily I finish late, so I can lie and say I already ate dinner.

I weighed myself this morning and I havn't gained any weight thank god. That's pretty good considering I binged twice yesterday. Actually my binges are becoming smaller and smaller which is awesome. My therapist said I just have to remember that I have stopped before and I can stop again.

On a totally different note, I was just wondering if anyone out there gets triggered to binge when they see thinspo or just thin girls with perfect bodies? Whenever I see this kind of stuff I just go crazy and feel like a failure and that I will never be like that. I have to start changing my thought process and using these people and images as inspiration, as opposed to an excuse to binge.

Anyway I'm gonna start reading some other people's blogs for inspiration now :)
xxxxx