Friday, November 13, 2009

Help help help fucking help

Sorry I've been a tad missing in action lately- I've been too pissed off at myself to care about anything. Something positive though, my binges are getting smaller and less frequent. I'm hoping I will have them really under control by the middle of the month (exactly 3 months until I see my boyfriend). If I havn't stopped my fucked bingeing by then I'm pretty much fucked. I'm not getting on that plane if I'm not thin, and if I don't then it's basically the end of our relationship. He knows I have problems with eating. He was the one who encouraged me to get some professional help.
I've been reading if it's possible to lose 20kg in 3 months, and it is, if I stick to under 500 cals a day or less and exercise. One girl said she has lost 20kg in 3 months by doing that and it really inspired me. She went from 75 to 55. It gave me hope that it is possible to do. My goal weight is getting less and less. I now want to be 50kg.. I think I would look great. I know I would be happy. I can do it.
I just feel so depressed and dissappointed in myself knowing that I was in the 50's and I had a little way to go, and I blew it. I just hate my face right now. It looks fatter and rounder and just disgusting. I'm getting my double chin back and I just want to die because of it. I know when I get my exercising back on track it will help me with my food a lot. I can only pray that my thinking will become clearer and more focused and I will realize that food will not bring me closer to my boyfriend, only farther away and more depressed. He means so much to me. I'm doing this for him as much as I'm doing it for myself.
I'm thinking of doing the ABC diet. Anyone tried that before? I like thinking that I have an exact amount of cals that I can't go over every day.
I'm seeing my psychologist lady next week and I'm going to ask her specifically how to control my binges when I start thinking of food. She started saying something about imagining my thoughts on an elevator just flying past and not stopping and dwelling on them, but it didn't really work that well.
I'm just feeling so low. Can I get back to a thinner weight? Can I be satisfied in 3 months?
Bf told me his roomate has stopped eating and she looks thinner. She has problems with her eating too and I told him to encourage her to eat, although I find her to be an inspiration (haha). Last I heard she was 54kg.. but now apparently thinner? wtf? I'm so jealous. When he told me her weight, he said that she had actually gained weight and was looking more pudgey and fatter. I don't want her to be thinner than me. 3 months with a thinner girl- it's amazing my Bf isn't tempted to cheat. But he says she's a bit of a slut lol, so that turns him off completely- plus he loves me which helps. BUT I know for a fact he won't love the fat me. Infact he would fucking hate it. He would break up with me I'm sure. And we're planning on getting married in the future...........I can't lose him. Fat dissappear! My mind better be fixed by tomorrow......please god HELP!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

A New Plan

Today I'm quite proud of myself, because my bingeing has been reasonably under control. I took m.a.d's lovely advice and wrote down a list of my new rules/routine. I realised that tomorrow is 99 days until I see my boyfriend. Which means 99 days to get skinny. I WILL do this! The lack of routine/bingeing/out of control feeling all contributes to my stress and feeling overwhelmed and failing, so I figure having a proper daily routine in place is really going to help me. So here it is:

1. I must be in bed by 11pm every night (I'm avoiding partying and going out to save money, avoid alcohol and drunken food-eating)

2. I must be up at 7am every morning to fit in an hour of cardio before work or before I start my day (followed by a quick shower)

3. I must drink an average of 3L of water per day, with a dash of apple cidar vinegar to ease my cravings and appetite

4. I must stay under 500 calories a day

5. I must not drink my calories- water, tea, diet drinks only

6. I must not eat food (especially carbs) after 7pm

7. 7.30-8.30 is another hour dedicated to cardio, followed by a shower/brush teeth

8. 1 hour of weights with my personal trainer per week

9. I will try to water fast every 3 days, and if binge badly I will fast for 2 days

10. I will follow a strict vegan diet

11. I will lose on average 1kg per week, if not more

12. I will take my 4 diet pills a day and laxatives if I feel I've eaten too much

13. I will become dedicated to counting calories again

14. I will record my progress on this blog

Ok guys so there it is. I hope it is ok. I'm so determined now. This list has really helped.
Skinniness here I come! Hope everyone is doing ok

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Why why WHY?

WHY do I do this to myself? I just want to die right now. Cut and die. But I won't because I love my boyfriend more than anything and I know that would kill him.
So let me explain... I had a binge at work today- I swear the environment triggers me so bad. I'm sitting there, watching all the thin girls walk past and all I can think about is food. I fucking went to the grocery store for my soy milk/splenda/gum and fucking returned with a chocolate, banana, blueberries, rice crackers, dip AND an egg salad sandwich... WTF is that? SERIOUSLY? At one point I was about to drop the food items and run out, but my willpower is so fucking weak I gave in. I don't have TIME to be eating so fucking badly. I have limited time and the more I gain the more I have to lose. FUCKING STOP IT WOMAN! STOP IT RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!!!!!!! Sorry for the swearing guys but I am just at my wits end. How the hell can I make this stop? Anyway the bingeing didn't stop there. For some fucked up reason I decided to try on my skinny jeans (sz 6) when I got home. Which USED to fit perfectly well. Now I can't even do them up! I was about to cry. But no, instead of crying I decided to punish myself more. I got home and started eating dinner (vegies/meat/rice smothered with cheese.. DISGUSTING), chocolate pie and cereal. I want to fucking die. I feel so physically ill I can't even exercise. Not to mention I have literally no gag reflex and I can't even throw up the 283795287923879 calories I injested today. I could drink a litre of poison and not be able to throw it up. It's a curse! I don't have time for this. I have 3 months before my boyfriend sees me naked again. And if I have 1cm of fat on me I will not do it, and I can't lose him!!!!!!!
I've been wanting to do a fast for awhile, but have never been able to last more than 2 days. Well fuck it. I'm doing it because if I touch 1 teeny bit of food, I go fucking crazy, so therefore I will not touch any food. I was watching the lady who did a 40 day water fast on youtube and I freaking wish I could get that far. I need some support. Please? Anyone out there?! So tomorrow, I'm fasting. Water, water, water and diet pills. Maybe laxies but they make me feel like shit. I have 3 months to lose 14kg. I have to do it! I will get my fat arse on the treadmill tomorrow after work. Then everyday after that I will exercise for 1 hour in the morning and 1hr in the evening. I just hate food so much. I HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT! I wish it didn't exist. I wish everyone had the body they wished for automatically just by asking whoever the fuck is up there. I'm fat right now but I CAN'T get fatter. If I reach over 70kg I will never leave the house and become a fat, obese social recluse. I have to get to the 50's. I did it once, I can do it again.

Changing Habits

Today I woke up feeling pretty hopeful that I could go through the day with not much food. I've started taking some diet pills again which seem to suppress my appetite pretty well. I ended up bingeing for breakfast but not as bad as usual. I had some chocolate-flavored cereal and non-fat skim milk so the total calories was probably around 450. I'm going to purchase some non-fat soy milk, sugarfree gum and splenda pills today at the grocery store on my lunch break.

Usually at work I get really bored, which leads to me buying a lot of shit food and bingeing and trying to purge. But I really don't want to go down that path, especially since my therapist told me a client of hers died at 25 from bullimia from a heart attack, and it fucked up her insides quite badly. I'm sick of wasting my money on food and then just regretting it 5 seconds later so I'm only allowing my money to be spent on diet-type things and fruit from now on.

Anyway seeing as I've nearly used up all my calories for the day I'm going to really try to not eat anything else. If I'm dying and I absolutely have to, I will eat a carrot which I have here at work. I've been drinking a fair amount of water to suppress my appetite, plus I think these diet pills are really helping.

When I get home I will hit the treadmill for aslong as I can, then shower, watch tv and paint my nails to distract myself then go to bed extremely early or talk to my boyfriend all night. I hate coming home with the house smelling of food. ARGH! But today luckily I finish late, so I can lie and say I already ate dinner.

I weighed myself this morning and I havn't gained any weight thank god. That's pretty good considering I binged twice yesterday. Actually my binges are becoming smaller and smaller which is awesome. My therapist said I just have to remember that I have stopped before and I can stop again.

On a totally different note, I was just wondering if anyone out there gets triggered to binge when they see thinspo or just thin girls with perfect bodies? Whenever I see this kind of stuff I just go crazy and feel like a failure and that I will never be like that. I have to start changing my thought process and using these people and images as inspiration, as opposed to an excuse to binge.

Anyway I'm gonna start reading some other people's blogs for inspiration now :)

Friday, November 6, 2009

Introducing myself..

Hi guys :)!!
I thought I would let you all know a little bit about me and my goals and stuff. I'm using this blog because I think it will help keep me on track to lose weight.
Firstly I've always been overweight and I decided to start losing the weight healthily about a year ago. I did this by sticking to 1200-1500 cals a day and exercising for about an hr 4-5 times per week. After a while I had lost about 20kg but I was so exhausted and sick of the scales, calories and food. I hated it all, and whenever the scale didn't go down I would give up and feel like shit. Eventually, I really did give up. The past couple of months I have been bingeing like a fat pig :( and have gained a shitload of weight (about 8kg), which is sooo much for a short period of time. So I need to stop this NOW!

I feel really out of control when it comes to food, I hate it sooo much. It consumes every thought of mine. I need to get down to 53 in 3 months. The reason for this is, I'm going overseas to see my boyfriend, who I have not seen for 6 months. I told him I was still losing weight (stupid I know), but if I don't lost the weight I'm going to be so embarrassed to see him. My flights are already booked so I have no choice but to do this. I already binged this morning for breakfast (FUCK), so I'm not eating for the rest of the day. I'm just gonna distract myself and sleep for as much as possible and drink heaps of water if I start getting hungry.

My mom bought a new treadmill so my plan is to exercise (including running) for 1-2 hours everyday and stick to under 500 calories, avoid animal products and processed shit. If I don't lose this weight before I see him I will probably kill myself to save myself and him the embarassment.
I am going to do this, I just have to get my head straight!
From tomorrow, no more binges, just thinness and skinniness.


EDIT: So I fucking hate myself right now. I just binged AGAIN. I woke up after a 4 hour sleep and my stomach was rumbling. I was attempting not to go crazy so I started eating a few grapes. Then my mom asked me to make a dessert (it's low fat but still- fuckfuckfuck). She already bought the ingredients so I thought fuck it, this can be my last supper. I ended up making it then eating dinner which she had made (pasta and vegie/meat sauce), I had a low fat cookie, some baking chocolate........ now I'm waiting for the pie to set. I actually feel physically ill but I just can't control myself- I'm fucking scared. I hate being so out of control. I started running on my treadmill and the food was about to come up so I had to stop. Now my stomach hurts more than ever. I really have lost my fitness these past 2 months. After 5 minutes I was dying. I'll make it up tomorrow. Total of 2hrs on the treadmill.
I started being vegan for about a month (but gave it up), and it was a great excuse to not have to eat dinner and basically everything. I got down to 59kg being vegan. Plus I actually felt so much better physically (cow's milk does not agree with me). I'm going to start this again and basically live on a diet of fruit/vegies/soy milk and avoid all processed, white shitty foods. I have no choice but to lose this weight. I'm NOT going to feel ashamed infront of my boyfriend. I WILL be 53 kg by march 1st. I will die if I get even fatter so I have to stop it right fucking now.

Please anyone reading this, I need support. I need to know I can do this arghhhhhhhh!